


Regrets

by professorriversong



Category: Downton Abbey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-08
Updated: 2013-12-08
Packaged: 2018-01-04 00:17:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1074748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professorriversong/pseuds/professorriversong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As it draws close to Christmas, Elsie Hughes begins to question her life at Downton</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets

Elsie Hughes smiled as she leaned against the wall, watching Jimmy playing Christmas tunes on the piano as the maids and footmen all sang along and twirled each other around the servant’s hall. Even Mrs Patmore had joined them, sitting with her third glass of wine and a ruddy complexion to her cheeks laughing as Thomas dipped Daisy almost to the floor.

 

It warmed her heart to see them all so happy in spite of everything they had been through in the past few years. She wished that she could join them, dancing and laughing without a care in the world, but she wouldn’t. Somehow Mrs Hughes felt removed from it all, half a step behind them and only able to watch from the side lines. Her smile faded. Quietly, she turned away from the warmth of the hall and retreated to her sitting room which despite the crackling fire seemed to harbour a considerable chill.

 

Retrieving her shawl from the back of her chair she wrapped it around herself, and went over to her desk. She made the same excuse every year that she was too busy to decorate the room for Christmas, but it wasn’t the truth. The only sentiment of the season to be found was the little card her sister had sent her bearing a picture of a robin and a message begging her to visit.

 

Elsie picked it up and read it once more, hearing the words in her sister’s distinctive Scottish tone. They both knew that it wasn’t that far for her to go, but her work would always keep her in Downton unless there was an emergency and Annie had her own family to think of. Her daughter’s husband had died, leaving her to help take care of her grandchildren as her daughter went out to work and she couldn’t leave them.

 

Sitting beside the fire, Mrs Hughes realised that she hadn’t seen her sister in over a year and a half; not since the funeral of her niece’s husband. Her fingers brushed over the last words of the card.

_I know I shouldn’t ask Elsie dear, but I miss you so. I don’t know if you had considered retiring from the house, but if you ever did I would love for you to live with us or by us if you would prefer. Clarissa and the little ones would love to see you. Just think about it, for me?_

_Yours,_

_Annie_

It had been playing on her mind for days now. Elsie knew that she had more than enough money saved to be comfortable if she chose to leave, and she could hear the longing in her sister’s words. It would be lovely to see her again, and the children who would always run up to her and give her the biggest hugs when they saw her. She could watch them grow up; they were still young, with so much of life ahead of them.

 

Before now, every time Mrs Hughes had thought about leaving her sense of duty and friendship had pushed it to the back of her mind. She had been happy with the life she had chosen, or at least happy enough. But whether it was the Christmas holiday or just her own feelings, something had changed within her and she questioned what she was staying for.

 

Tomorrow was Christmas Day, and although everyone would be merry and laughing Elsie knew that she couldn’t join them in their joyfulness. The only present she would receive would be that which the family gave her, and although they were always considerate it was their honour which compelled them to do so rather than compassion. She and her sister had agreed many years ago to forgo Christmas gifts in favour of buying the young children nicer presents, though Elsie had never had the chance to see them being opened.

 

The thought of spending Christmas as a family and not a servant brought a flicker of a smile to the corner of her mouth, and Elsie realised how much she wanted to go. Guilt washed over her as she considered why she hadn’t visited her sister more over the years, but she banished those thoughts from her mind. That wasn’t her anymore. She had changed, and now was the time to take that step. Nothing was keeping her here. Mrs Hughes had made up her mind; she would write to her sister in the morning.

 

A soft knock on her door disrupted her thoughts, and it took her a moment to tell the visitor to come in. Of course she knew who it would be, the only other one not at the party.

‘Good evening Mrs Hughes,’ Carson said brightly, closing the door behind him. He was carrying two glasses of steaming mulled wine, and he handed one to her which she accepted gratefully standing the card on a side table. He sat down next to her, and for a moment they sipped their drinks in silence.

 

‘Didn’t fancy the party?’

‘No,’ Mrs Hughes admitted, ‘I didn’t really fell in a party mood.’

‘Understandable,’ he smiled, ‘I have never really enjoyed singing and dancing since the old days.’

Elsie tried to smile in return, but couldn’t quite manage it. Mr Carson looked at her, noticing how distant she seemed; not her usual self at all.

‘Are you alright?’ His voice was so sincere, and when she turned to him she could see his expression was one of genuine concern. There was a pause, as they looked at each other and Elsie realised that there were tears in her eyes. She quickly averted her gaze and stared down into her cup.

‘Fine,’ she lied, hoping he hadn’t noticed.

‘You don’t look fine,’ said Carson gently. When she couldn’t answer him, he reached out to where her hand was resting on the arm of the chair and covered it with his own.

 

At first Elsie was surprised by the warmth of his hand on hers, and her first instinct was to pull away, but something stopped her. They had often confided in each other over the years; the butler and the housekeeper had always shared a mutual respect for one another, though somehow this felt different. Had it been anyone else she would have brushed them off, insisting she was perfectly alright and leaving to wallow on her own. But she didn’t run away. Instead, she let her façade of strength slip ever so slightly as she allowed him to hold her hand.

 

‘I suppose I get a little melancholy around Christmas,’ Elsie admitted, the strict tone she was used to keeping to melting away.

‘Why?’

‘Do you remember when Joe Burns came to Downton and asked for my hand?’ Carson nodded. ‘I asked you then whether you wished you had gone a different way, and told you that I sometimes thought about it. Well I do think about it, all of the time. There are so many things I never did and will never get to do…so many things I didn’t know I wanted until I couldn’t have them.’

‘I know what you mean,’ sighed Carson.

Elsie’s brow furrowed as she looked at him. ‘Really?’

‘I loved Alice dearly, and once she was taken from me I decided not to pursue anyone else. I thought she was the only one I could ever love, and I threw myself into the job. It’s almost funny how one day you wake up and realise what you have missed out on.’

‘I never knew you felt that way,’ said Elsie, surprised to hear him speaking so openly.

‘I didn’t allow myself to ever feel the same way about anyone else, thinking I would only get my heart broken again. Silly old fool.’

‘I suppose I didn’t realise how much I would miss having a family,’ she admitted sadly, looking away.

 

‘What brought this on, anyway?’

‘The card my sister sent me,’ Elsie told him. ‘I haven’t seen her in almost eighteen months now, and she…she wants me to retire and come and live with her in Lancashire.’

Carson’s eyes widened in shock, and he instinctively moved his hand away from hers.

‘You…you’re not…You’re not thinking of leaving, Mrs Hughes?’ he spluttered.

‘Before you came I made up my mind, and I am going to leave.’

For a moment he was lost for words, thoughts not forming properly in his head.

‘When?’ was all he could muster.

‘I will speak to Lord Grantham after Christmas, before the New Year, and stay only until he has found my replacement.’ Somehow saying it aloud made it more real, and Elsie began to realise the gravity of her words. She was leaving Downton Abbey.

‘You…you can’t…you’re needed here, Mrs Hughes.’

‘I’m not needed, not really. The world will still keep turning if I retire, Mr Carson. There isn’t enough to keep me here when my sister needs me.’

‘Mrs Patmore, she’s your friend, and Anna…Anna is like a daughter to you.’

‘But she isn’t my daughter is she?’ There were tears in her eyes.

‘And I-‘

 

Carson stopped himself, leaving the sentence hanging in the air.

‘You…what?’

She waited, her heart thumping with anticipation.

‘We would all miss you, very much,’ he finished. Elsie felt her heart sink a little.

‘And I will miss you, but I think that it might be best if I go,’ she said resignedly.

 

‘Wait there a moment,’ Carson muttered, rising from his seat and leaving the room. Elsie stood, but before she could stop him he had gone and the room felt a little colder. He had only helped to make up her mind, though having told her of his own regrets she was surprised that he would try and stop her finding some sort of family of her own. Perhaps it was just the shock of her revelation.

 

Before she could wonder any further, he returned and closed the door behind them. He didn’t say a word, but handed her a small parcel wrapped in red paper and tied with a bow. Elsie took it, not quite sure how to react, and with a nod from him began to carefully unwrap it. Beneath the paper was a box of blue velvet, and when she opened it she couldn’t suppress a gasp.

 

It was the most stunning thing she had ever seen. Within the box was a necklace, a small silver heart on a delicate chain. Tears stung her eyes as she looked up at Carson, speechless.

‘Shall I put it on?’

Unable to say a word she nodded and he took the necklace from her, draping it across her neck and fastening it with an expert hand.

‘There,’ he said with a smile, ‘you look…beautiful.’

He put one hand on her shoulder and cupped her cheek with the other, wiping away a tear with his thumb as it fell.

‘Stay,’ he whispered. ‘ _I_ need you.’ 


End file.
